I’m so excited to be nearly finished with my next book, The Adventures of Matthew Turner: A Definitely Not Gay Wizard. Really, he’s definitely not gay. It’s very tawdry writings with the appearance of some lusty-busty deadlifting chicks-with-dicks. At some point, I use the phrase ‘gender is performative’ to get the action going. This is definitely what Judith Butler would want, right?
Matthew Turner, wizard, is definitely not gay. He’s the handsome athletic Captain of Salem Academy’s broom-racing team, and he likes boobs and stuff. (C’mon, have you seen his lats, bro?) He simply has a predisposition for strong, confident women. If they happen to possess, er, male bits – that’s not really his problem, is it? Dude, like, everyone knows gender is pre-formative anyways.
Judith Butler would be so proud.
Meet Matthew Turner.
Captain of the broom-racing team at Salem’s Academy for Witches & Wizards, Matthew Turner possesses the kind of ease, presence and bone-deep confidence of handsome, athletic young men everywhere who live their lives in comforting bubbles of perpetual popularity. Watch him swagger cockily through the Academy’s hallways with his wind-swept brunet hair, cheeky brown eyes; his sparkling toothy-white grin. No, literally, it sparkled. Matthew Turner knew this because just this morning, he had spent 15 minutes rubbing W.W. (WickedWizard) EverBrite™ Sparkle Salve carefully into every single tooth. Then, he spent another 15 minutes dutifully massaging W.W. MagiComplexion™ Ointment into every single crevice of his face.
“Matt, don’t you think you’re being a little gay,” his best-friend and roommate Johnny Graves had commented, irritated and impatient at having to wait every damn morning for Matthew’s daily beauty routine before leaving the apartment.
“Whatever man, the chicks love it,” Matthew replied, flashing Johnny a bright, shiny smile through the mirror. “Perfect skin doesn’t fall out of crystal balls, bro.” Anyway, Matthew Turner knew he was definitely not gay. He liked boobs and stuff.
Behind him, Johnny winced as the lights reflected off his friend’s teeth, painfully searing into his eyeballs.
Keep an eye out for it, dear readers!